I still want to escape

"Create a life you don't want to escape from."

When I started my sobriety journey in early recovery, this quote made me sit up and take notice. It evoked a strong emotional response that stirred hope and desire. "What would that life look like? I want that! How do I get that life because I want to escape all the damn time?!"

I'm grateful for this dream of a life where I never want to run away, hide, or shrink. This idea was exactly what I needed when I needed it most. It nudged me towards boundary setting and self-advocacy in ways I had never considered. And it all began with letting go of alcohol. Drinking was the biggest obstacle to my ability to be truly present to myself and others and hindered my capacity to expand my window of tolerance or sit with discomfort. I needed to build new skills. Desperately.

As my recovery evolves and my work as a coach grows, I have different thoughts about escaping. When I listen to the folks I work with, who have hearts the size of Texas, and we slowly unfurl our stories, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that escaping - in whatever way we are conditioned - comes from a place of tenderness towards self and deep wisdom. Your soul knows its worth. And the still small voice from the core of who we are will always remind us that nurturing and nourishing are inherent to our being. Unfortunately, our conditioning and neural pathways lead us to the quickest fix and habits where we find comfort. For me, that was wine.

So has sobriety and recovery made me not want to escape life? No.

I only have to watch the news and want to crawl into a blanket fort and never come out. And it's not because I want to deny the realities of the pain and trauma that exist in the world, but because I feel those things intensely as I grow and acknowledge I am a highly sensitive person with a massive capacity to feel. And as I deepen my self-work and understand systems of oppression, I simply cannot unsee what I now know. And I recognize the privilege of shutting it down with a Netflix binge or a "me day."

This journey teaches me that being fully present in life and what it brings to me requires a consistent practice of expansion, constriction, and renewal. In other words - wanting to escape is part of it.

Somebody (a therapist, maybe?) told me once that the cycle of humanity is The Thing, Recovering From The Thing, and Preparing For The Next Thing. This makes sense to me and reflects my experiences. Sometimes, The Thing is joyous and life-giving; sometimes, it is unbearable and heartbreaking.

The calling of my soul is to be present. And to do that well and not collapse from the weight of this world, renewal is just as important as expansion and constriction. For me, staying in flow to this cycle is only possible because of renewal. It is only possible because of giving myself permission to go off the grid occasionally. It's only possible because of sitting in the space of contemplative action.

So yes, I still want to check out sometimes. I have not created a life I don't want to escape from because quite simply, I'm not in control of it. But sobriety has given me the space to create practices that support my capacity to be present, which is worth everything.

Friend, it's hard out there. If you need a time of renewal to return to yourself and the sweet gifts you've been given to help make this world a brighter and better place, please offer yourself that without guilt or shame. Escaping doesn't have to look like abandonment. It can look like coming home.

Keep going.

I love you.

Anne Marie